THE OLSON
MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPY CLINIC

There are several ways to build and maintain a healthy relationship. What if I suggested that one way is to be intentional about spending more time with your friends or by yourself (and maybe less time with your partner)? I know it may seem counterintuitive but through community and differentiation you can build a stronger, deeper relationship not only with your partner but with your friends.  

 
Typically, we are not the best at maintaining a balance of making time for our friends when we start new relationships. Romantic relationships are new and exciting and you want to spend as much time as you can with them. As you step into the identity and role of a partner you may not prioritize getting together with your friends or you feel lazy then say you’ll catch up with them later. It’s normal but we can be intentional about nurturing other parts of our identity outside of being a partner. Of course you can strengthen shared relationships as a couple, but it’s important you grow together as a couple and an individual.  

 

Okay, so what is differentiation? Differentiation is the ability to stay connected to your partner while maintaining your sense of self, identity, values, interest, and emotional autonomy. It’s being able to have some individualization in your togetherness so you can remain close to each other without feeling extremely reactive to your partner’s emotions. Differentiation allows us room to reflect on our needs, take responsibility for our emotions while allowing our partners to do the same.  

 

It allows you to maintain your identity outside of being a partner. Having a strong sense of community and friendship outside of your relationship can be a protective factor.  Spending time with friends or in the community can be rejuvenating. It gives us the opportunity to engage in our interests and feel grounded in ourselves. There may be activities or interests that you enjoy but your partner doesn’t and vice versa. It doesn’t mean that you have to give it up entirely but can engage with a group of friends and share the stories with your partner. You are still able to do it without feeling the pressure they must do it with you. Now, hopefully they’ll try it with you but it won’t be the end of the world if they don’t. Friendships help us stay connected to the world and strengthen our sense of belongingness. They offer different perspectives, say the difficult things we may not want to hear and remind us of our strengths. It can also take the pressure off of your spouse and the relationship to fulfill every need we have.  

 

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How to maintain a balance?  

1. Reflect on how connected you feel to your friends 

2. Identify your individual needs for connection and belongingness 

3. Make time to reach out and schedule an outing with your friends.  

4. Maintain your hobby  

5. Remember you don’t have to give up your individuality to have a strong relationship. And you don’t have to isolate yourselves to feel close.