OLSON MFT CLINIC BLOG
This Month's Feature: Frankline Tschombe MA-MFT
Frankline is a bilingual Clinician with experience supporting youth and families through counseling, mentoring, and health care. She exudes a strong work ethic with exceptional communication and critical thinking skills. Frankline currently works at Tanager's Place as a Multi Systemic Therapist.
Why Attachment Styles Matter in Couple Relationships?
By: Frankline Tschombe MA, tLMFT
Most couples think their disagreements are about dishes, money, parenting, or communication. But beneath these everyday fights lies something deeper: how each partner learned to give and receive love. This emotional blueprint, formed in childhood and shaped over time, is what therapists refer to as attachment style, and it significantly influences how couples connect, argue, and repair. Understanding your attachment style isn’t about placing yourself in a box. It’s about recognizing the patterns that show up when you’re hurt, stressed, or longing for closeness and learning how to shift those patterns to strengthen your relationship.
What Are Attachment Styles?
Attachment theory, first developed by John Bowlby and later expanded by other researchers, describes four general ways people relate in close relationships. Everyone has a mix of these patterns, but most people lean toward one style, especially when under stress.
Secure: Comfortable with intimacy, able to express their needs
Anxious: fear that their partner might abandon them, tends to pursue connection when in distress
Avoidant: pulls away when things seem to be intense, struggles to depend on others
Disorganized (or Fearful-Avoidant): Wants closeness but fears it at the same time (push/pull dynamic), often linked to past trauma or even inconsistent care giving
How Attachment Shows Up in Relationships:
1. The Pursue–Withdraw Cycle
One partner reaches for closeness (“Do you still care about me?”), while the other shuts down to manage overwhelm (“I can’t handle this right now”).
2. Emotional Safety and Communication
Securely attached couples aren’t free of conflict; they’re just better at repair.
They listen without becoming defensive, express needs without attacking, and trust that misunderstandings can be fixed.
3. Triggers From the Past
Arguments often escalate not because of the present moment, but because an old wound gets activated.
A partner raising their voice, turning away during conflict, or forgetting a text message can stir feelings rooted in experiences long before the relationship began.
How Couples Can Start Becoming More Secure:
1. Name your cycle, not your partner.
Instead of “You always pull away,” try “This is the part where our cycle starts.”
2. Share softer emotions underneath the frustration.
Anger often hides fear, shame, or sadness.
3. Offer reassurance before problem-solving.
Connection first, communication second.
4. Make small, consistent bids for closeness.
Send a check-in text, share appreciation, or schedule time together.
5. Seek support if patterns feel too big to shift alone.
Therapy creates a safe space to understand your needs and each other more deeply. Connect with other secure relationships (friendships/acquaintances) that are around you.
Ultimately, attachment styles shape how we love, how we fight, and how we heal, but they’re not fixed traits. When couples learn to understand their underlying emotional patterns, they move from blame to connection. They begin to see each other not as opponents, but as partners longing for safety and closeness. And that shift is often the turning point that brings real change.
References
Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment theory in practice: Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) with individuals, couples, and families. The Guilford Press.
Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find—and keep—love.