THE OLSON
MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPY CLINIC

     One of the most difficult items that couples bring into sessions is a breakdown in communication. The more I begin to explore a couple’s communication pattern, one of the most identifiable and common things I witness is a partner’s inability to offer a safe space for their partner to express emotion/vulnerability. The pattern often looks as such: Partner 1 is wanting to express a vulnerable emotion to their partner, Partner 2; they express their emotion to their partner. Partner 2 then responds in a way that signals to Partner 1 that their vulnerability was not seen, dismissed, or even invalidated. In response to the dismissal, Partner 1 responds with either defense, withdraw, anger, etc. Now both partners are upset and frustrated that they cannot communicate with one another without a breakdown or fight, and they cannot seem to find a way out of their negative interaction cycle.  

This cycle is not uncommon, and many couples, even friends and family members, find themselves in this cycle. Fortunately, there are ways to make small changes to bring about change. Below will list items and tools to use to help you begin to create a safe space for your loved ones to bring about meaningful and lasting positive changes.  

1. Explore your attachment style 

   • World renowned Marriage and Family Therapist, Sue Johnson, has done extensive research in adult attachment. Building from John Bowlby’s (1988) attachment theory, Johnson (2008) identified how the emotional bonds that are formed in early childhood with caregivers extend and continue to shape and impact adult relationships. 

   • The more an individual learns about their attachment styles, they can begin to recognize the maladaptive behaviors that emerge when conversating with a loved one. 

   • Attachment quizzes online can offer as a free resource for individuals who are seeking clarity on their attachment styles.  

2. Listen to hear, not to respond 

   • A common instinct for individuals who hear that their loved one is experiencing a challenge, is to problem solve. Often partners will respond to try to fix the situation or come up with ideas to help the individual get out of their pain/situation. I get it, you care for them so much it is hard for you to see them in pain, even if you feel there is a simple solution to their problem. But they aren’t always looking for answers; they are looking for validation, comfort, and care.  

3. Repeat back what you heard 

   • Now, before you start copying back word for word what your loved one said, that is NOT what I am talking about here. When responding, your partner is looking to see if you are on the same page as them. Were are you able to keep up with the reading or are they talking to a wall?  

   • Some responses you can say after your loved one expresses emotion or vulnerability is: “That sounds really difficult to deal with,” “Sounds like that was a really painful experience to go through,” “As you were talking, I could see how hard that experience was for you, I noticed your body begin to shake a bit.” You can literally name what you are seeing and hearing. This signals to your loved one that you are paying attention and actively listening to them. Feeling heard then creates a sense of safety and validation for the partner who is disclosing the vulnerability.  

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     Although this is only a snippet of how to work towards creating a safe space to foster positive communication with loved ones, these three tips are great places to begin. Moving away from repeated and consistent cycles can be difficult, give yourself grace as you continue to learn to offer safe spaces, it won’t be easy, but your effort is what matters.  

 

References:  

Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent–child attachment and healthy human development. Routledge. ​

Johnson, S. M. (2008). Emotionally focused couple therapy. In A. S. Gurman (Ed.), Clinical handbook of couple therapy (4th ed., pp. 107-137). New Tork: Guliford.