OLSON MFT CLINIC BLOG
This Month's Feature: Rev. Fr. Polycarp Hagan
This article is written by Rev. Fr. Polycarp Hagan, a Catholic priest and first-year PhD student in Marriage and Family Therapy at Saint Ambrose University, Mount Mercy Campus. Fr. Polycarp also serves as the School Chaplain at Mount Mercy Campus and as the Associate Pastor at Saint Wenceslaus Parish and Immaculate Conception Parish in Cedar Rapids, within the Archdiocese of Dubuque, Iowa. Aspiring to specialize in Gottman Method Couples Therapy, he passionately shares his thoughts on Gottman's Love Map.
Gottman’s Love Map: An all-time Relationship Anchor
By: Rev. Fr. Polycarp Hagan
Are you dating? Are you courting? Are you in the process of getting married, or are you already married? What is the primary foundation of your relationship? Are you a relationship counselor? What has been your trusted resource material? If you are seeking guidance, turn to Gottman’s Love Maps, and you will never be disappointed. I find it very intriguing and insightful to share. Research shows that many marriages and relationships face challenges due to a lack of understanding of how self-awareness and mutual understanding influence couples' commitment and ownership of their relationship. Echoing Gottman’s idea that many marriages fail because of “profound ignorance,” I believe commitment depends on a deep understanding of the partners. To address this knowledge gap, the Gottman Method of Couples Therapy designed the Love Map Exercise to help couples develop a deep knowledge of their partner’s inner world, enabling them to build a strong foundation of friendship and positive sentiments, which are vital for success in a relationship.
What is a Love Map?
A Love Map is a collection of knowledge about a person’s partner in a relationship, created to deepen understanding and intimacy. According to Chen (2025), a Love Map is an ongoing process of gaining a deep understanding of your partner’s inner world— their fears, hopes, stresses, core beliefs, aspirations, and key experiences that shape who they are. It is, therefore, a timeless relationship anchor that provides cognitive stability, helping partners navigate the challenges of marriage safely at every stage of their journey. Building this understanding early in the relationship is essential. Gottman notes that without a deep knowledge of each other from the start, their marriage is likely to lose its way when their lives change suddenly and dramatically (Gottman, 2025).
How do I create a Love Map with my partner?
Building a Love Map involves learning about your partner and their inner world. Simply knowing your partner enhances your relationship. However, the journey begins with yourself. As a first step toward creating Love Maps for your relationship, it’s helpful to develop your own Love Map of your life before making this commitment. Remember the twists and turns in your story. Write them down or draw an actual map. What has your journey to this point been like? When did you encounter smooth roads? When did you face steep climbs or deserts? This self-reflection helps you share openly and deeply on your love journey.
What to consider when creating Love Maps as partners: The following are key factors for effective love mapping.
The Setting and Timing: You need to create a supportive environment where each person is physically, mentally, and emotionally engaged, free from stress or fatigue. This is essential for full, active, and mindful participation. Set aside at least an hour for uninterrupted “Couple-time”.
Modality and Questions: Approach with openness and curiosity instead of criticism or contempt. Ask follow-up questions out of curiosity to learn more about important events or beliefs (e.g., "What was that like for you?").
Note Taking and Tone: Regularly take notes to review and update your map. Keep it an ongoing conversation, not just a one-time activity.
Validation: Recognize your partner's feelings and thank them for being open with you.
Love Map Exercise: Once everything is ready, take turns asking questions about your partner’s life, listen carefully to understand, and take notes; then follow up with curiosity to learn more where needed. Love mapping is a gradual process that involves developing a deep understanding over time. It requires patience, active listening, and ongoing exploration. The more effort you invest in understanding your partner’s world, the stronger your bond becomes. This exercise begins with creating your own life map, then sharing it honestly and openly. Since it is an ongoing journey, the best way to maintain a healthy marital friendship is to keep asking questions and updating your Love Maps.
References
Chen, L. (2025). Deepen Your Connection with Gottman’s Love Maps. Retrieved
November 26, 2025, from www.lisachentherapy.com
Gottman (2025). The Sound Relationship House: Build Love Maps. Retrieved November
27, 2025, from Gottman.com/blog/the-sound-relationship-house-build-love-maps/
The Gottman Love Map Exercise (2020). Retrieved November 26, 2025, from